Rigging A Student Body Election And Getting Away With it for Dummies

Student Body Elections have come and gone, and there can only be one winner, which makes the rest of you nothing but losers. You had dreams of how you would rule this university (under the strict guidance of the Rudder Association), but now you sadly have to be just another civilian here at this university who had to watch someone you never heard of win. Well, I am here to tell you that next year is your year and if you follow these steps in their entirety, you might as well start drafting your victory speech.

 

Step 1: Bribes

 

I cannot emphasize enough how important this step is to becoming Student Body President. You will need to start saving up money now to be able to pay off all the important people needed to secure your victory. You may be telling yourself, “I will never do that, I have integrity and pride, something something Aggie Honor Code” Well, my response to you is that if you had enough pride and integrity for yourself, you wouldn’t be trying so hard to acquire a title that is basically just a leader in cosplay. Furthermore, anyone who still believes in the Aggie Honor Code obviously never took an online exam during the height of the pandemic.

The reason bribes are so efficient is that you don’t have to report any of it. We all know how serious those people in Student Government Association (SGA) take themselves, so why not just completely avoid them altogether? Do you really want to stand in front of students wearing maroon robes cosplaying as judges about how you may or may not have wired money through Songfest shirts and Chilifest tickets? No, so be free of the election financial committee and spend as much as your heart and your father’s credit card desires.

 

Step 2: Blackmail

 

Now I know your conscience is probably at odds with this one, but just hear me out because this a step that lot of politicians have thanked me for after they secured victory. I mean, you already completed the first half of this program, might as well go all the way. It’s like my grandma always said, “why be a part of the problem, when you can be the entire problem?”

To complete this step you will need to do research on your opponents, and I mean a lot of research. Gather your campaign team around and scrape through every mention of your opponents on social media, find their friends, but most importantly, find their enemies. One of the common mistakes candidates continuously commit is the act of focusing on the fallacies of the opposition’s campaign ideas when in reality they should find the faults in the candidate. Repeat after me: Don’t fight their ideas, fight the candidate. You should wine and dine their haters into telling you the worst things about the person. Bring it up during debates, on GroupMe Breakaway, anything that can spread the word

Once you complete these steps, you will then become the next student body president of Texas A&M University.

 

— Hullabaloo Neglect, Neglect