The Battalion Stops Printing Physical Copies in Effort to Regain Relevance

Last Tuesday afternoon during a staff meeting, The Battalion Editor-in-Chief Rachel Simms announced that the newspaper would halt its production of printed copies for the following month in hopes of recapturing the lightning in the bottle that was almost getting shut down by administration last spring. During this period, the Battalion saw a 200% increase in readership, and a 5000% increase in people aware of t The Battalion’s existence.

“There are more people in this mandatory meeting today than weekly readers of The Battalion,” Simms said last week to her staff. “Last year when the university was trying to censor us, we had the most readers since we were the Texas Collegian. Heck, it was even my first time picking up a physical copy.”

To further replicate the conditions of last spring, The Battalion will reportedly only be publishing articles about “President Banks-approved” topics. Recent features touch on subjects like the importance of STEM students, the psychological benefits of being nice to university officials, and the slippery slope of pranks and having fun.

“Well, I was going to write an article about the restrooms on campus that most reminded me of getting picked last for kickball in elementary school,” writer for the opinion desk, Sadie LeBlanc, said. “But I guess since we are censoring ourselves, I could write something about relevant and impactful issues on campus.”

Despite the hopeful optimism expressed by The Battalion for these changes, no one actually noticed any difference until reading the headline of this article.

 

— BTHO Rabies