Philosophy Student’s Social Life Ruined by Critical Thinking Skills
Sunday night, sophomore philosophy student Patrick Pine announced he would be stepping down from all social obligations for the foreseeable future. The announcement comes after Pine faced severe backlash for being a total downer at an Aggie Belles date party.The trouble started when Pine showed up to the “Country/western” party dressed in a t-shirt and slacks, citing concerns about future morality deeming the theme inappropriate.
Throughout the course of the night, Pine committed several unforgivable social errors. At 10:13 p.m., he stopped drinking to avoid “doing something [he] might regret.” However, he did consume enough red wine to debate the other partygoers about religion.
At 11:05 pm, Pine was seen in the backyard, standing in a circle of marijuana users. When it was his turn for the blunt, he held it and waved it around, pleading for the others to consider their long-term lung health. The night ended at 11:45 p.m. when, after several attempts to get the music turned down, Pine allegedly called in a noise complaint from the restroom.
Pine stated in a lengthy Twitter thread that he would be taking the time away from the social scene to focus on his studies and reconnect with family, a decision that is unanimously opposed by his relatives.
—Walton Texas Ranger
Coming from a long line of beef cattle barons, Walton, Texas Ranger knows his way around a slab of meat. You can usually find him at Rosenthal in between the tenderloin and beef shoulder. He’s the envy of every man on the Aggie Barbecue team and the apple of every horse girl’s eye and, honestly, we can’t blame them.