Local Christian Denied Salvation Due to Subpar Birthday Posts
Last Wednesday, local Christian Julien Anderson was denied salvation from the Lord due to subpar Instagram birthday posts. Sources say that Anderson was fearful about her status citing low birthday post count, each with only one to two sentences describing her faith. Her rejection was followed by a post captioned “taking a break from Social Media to spend more time with Jesus.”
“It’s just not fair,” Anderson said in an interview Friday night. “I created nice collages for all of my friends and wrote out three paragraphs for each. Pretty much all I post on Instagram are birthday posts.”
Anderson went on to express her internal disappointment in her closest friends for not taking the time to immortalize her impressive faith in their posts, particularly the girls in her bible study. According to Anderson, she always brought the religious zeal for her eternal liberator and was saddened when none of the girls recognized her evangelistic talents in their posts.
— Middle Class Missionary
Middle Class was always the disappointment of the family. He was born to the family of Swedish death metalheads that founded Hot Topic, but never took an interest in music, the supernatural, or anything alternative. That all changed when one day he picked up a little book written by a fella named Jesus Christ. Soon he would be traveling around the world, spreading the good word at sold out stadiums. Along the way, he picked up more than an acoustic guitar and an affinity for ham-boning. He made a lot of money too! After achieving peak global success, he realized his true purpose in life: to build an ever bigger Protestant church down the street from St. Mary’s.