Girlfriend Relieved Football Season Over Before Discovering USFL
Shortly after expressing relief for the end of football season, senior economics major Sarah Powers was horrified as her boyfriend informed her of the existence of the United States Football League, a spring professional football league.
During the time between football seasons, Powers enjoyed her boyfriend’s undivided attention and the ability to support her school through non-sports related weekend plans. “The football season is long enough already, isn’t it?” Powers said. “The time between when the NFL ends in February and college starts in August were the only time when I experienced real weekend relaxation.”
While Power was distraught at the news, others are just thankful to have something to do on the weekends. “The off season was so long,” Powers’ boyfriend Josh said. “I’m so glad that, as soon as the NFL ends, the USFL starts so I have something to talk to my friends about again.”
While Powers may have lost the peace of an offseason, she hopes that snacks will still be provided at all watch parties.
— Hannibal Lechner
While Hannibal might come across as some psychotic murderer, he’s really just a University Honors student, got it? Yeah sure, he makes prolonged eye contact as you pass by the couches in the Lechner hallway, and his intense obsession with true crime podcasts might make you uneasy, but he’s maybe only a little bit of a sociopath at best. Leave the serial killer vibes to McFadden, okay?