Maroon Coats Observed Preying on Wealthy Howdy Crew Tourists
Last week, the Visitor Center’s Campus Wildlife Conservatory raised the alarm about a drastic change in the feeding habits of the Maroonornith Coatsmilus, or Maroon Coat, species. Specifically, the conservatory pointed out the recent prevalence of wealthy Howdy Crew tourists in the Maroon Coats’ diets.
“It’s my job as a Howdy Crew member to safely escort visitors across our campus, but lately we’ve seen more trouble than usual on south campus near the Hagler Center,” junior Gretchen Chowdhury, said. “We’re dealing with highly-confident humanoid creatures that boast an impressive array of organizational involvement and internship experience to lure their prey. Once you consider the vibrant performances they give with their coats and golf carts, it’s clear this ecosystem is looking at an existential threat.”
Jane Foggs, the Howdy Crew director of preservation, said that these victims were left unharmed throughout this ordeal, although they did seem to be much more likely to donate to campus buildings or the Texas A&M Foundation’s endowment after the fact.
“They often returned with blank checks written to various departments and a strong desire to support the Texas A&M Foundation,” Foggs said. “Whatever these animals are doing to them, it’s certainly making them pull out their checkbook.”
Foggs emphasized that steps are in place to improve the safety of their tours while preserving the university environment. “We just want to show them around the campus and to explain the Aggie experience,” Foggs said. “These predators just want their money.”
Sources within the Visitor Center have confirmed that Howdy Crew plans to hire big-game hunters from the Corps of Cadets to address this unique on-campus threat.
― Batt for Both Teams
A softball extraordinaire, Batt for Both Teams was an up-and-coming player of Texas A&M’s own. One fateful day after too little sleep under a too-bright sun, Batt for Both Teams stumbled from the outfield and into the batter’s box. She hit a home run that day, but for the wrong team. Now, neither of her partners will let her live it down. We just hope the sun doesn’t get too bright for her to write something for some other newspaper on campus… But that probably won’t happen… right?