Tuesday, November 5, 2024
Texas A&M's First Satirical Newspaper, Since 1875


Breakaway Announces Revolutionary Sunday Morning Experience for Those Too Cool for Church

By BTHO Rabies , in Campus Life , at November 29, 2022 Tags: , , ,

Last Tuesday night, worship leader Bert Parker announced Breakaway Ministries will now be offering Sunday morning services at 9:15 a.m. and 11:15 a.m. in Reed Arena.

“We’ve had many students throughout the years complain about how they love Breakaway, but wish they could have a similar experience on another day of the week,” Parker said. “So, after many months of planning and prayer, we at Breakaway Ministries humbly unveil our radical idea of hosting a Christian worship service on Sunday mornings.”

Despite the unprecedented nature of this news, it has been universally well-received by the Christian community at Texas A&M University.

“I remember in high school my parents would drag me to some event every Sunday that was kind of like a less cool Breakaway,” Sophomore Stacy Wiggins said. “In college, I’ve mostly woken up hungover Sunday morning feeling like something’s missing. Now, I realize what my life needed was more Breakaway.”

Following this tradition-shattering announcement, Breakaway Ministries teased fans further by floating an idea called “Studies of the Bible” without providing any further details on what these events might look like.

 

—BTHO Rabies