Breakaway Announces Revolutionary Sunday Morning Experience for Those Too Cool for Church
Last Tuesday night, worship leader Bert Parker announced Breakaway Ministries will now be offering Sunday morning services at 9:15 a.m. and 11:15 a.m. in Reed Arena.
“We’ve had many students throughout the years complain about how they love Breakaway, but wish they could have a similar experience on another day of the week,” Parker said. “So, after many months of planning and prayer, we at Breakaway Ministries humbly unveil our radical idea of hosting a Christian worship service on Sunday mornings.”
Despite the unprecedented nature of this news, it has been universally well-received by the Christian community at Texas A&M University.
“I remember in high school my parents would drag me to some event every Sunday that was kind of like a less cool Breakaway,” Sophomore Stacy Wiggins said. “In college, I’ve mostly woken up hungover Sunday morning feeling like something’s missing. Now, I realize what my life needed was more Breakaway.”
Following this tradition-shattering announcement, Breakaway Ministries teased fans further by floating an idea called “Studies of the Bible” without providing any further details on what these events might look like.
—BTHO Rabies
You’re fighting for your life, sweating bullets on a flag room couch. You got in a wrestling match with a Kyle Field bat and the bat won. He whooped you faster than a junior-by-hours. He beat the 12th man out of you. You better be glad he let you keep on ever-living… ever-loving… You’re alive, but now you feel it coursing through your veins: pure rage in the form of a viral infection. Sure you could get treatment, but old army’s tougher than that. Reveilles 1 through 8 would be rolling in their graves. There’s only one redass, good bull way to handle this. Say it with me now. BEAT. THE. HELL. OUTTA. RABIES. Whoop!