Dear Revellie, Room-Hate

Dear Reveille,

 

My roommate was really rude the other day so I’m wondering if I should report them for housing a pet and another person not on the lease cuz we don’t vibe with that disrespect.

—Room-hate

 

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Hey Room-hate,

 

Sorry to hear about your rude roommate, but what you want to do is rise above and follow the golden rule. Treat others how they treat you. With this in mind, I suggest a two-step plan to get back at your roommate. Step one: make their allies your allies. Win over your roommate’s pet slowly. Feed them and move their stuff over to your side of the apartment until they feel more comfortable with you than with them. If the extra person your roommate is housing is a male, you should be able to win him over that way too.

 

Once you have two new pets, you can start step two of the plan. First, compile videos of your roommate’s cat and boytoy acting kind to you. Then, make a TikTok with these clips, and have the text-to-speech feature read “my roommate was rude to me so I stole her pet and her boyfriend.” Even if it’s not the whole story, enough people will identify your roommate from the objects in the video, so your roommate will probably go cry about it. Make sure you savor every bit of pain you overhear through your thin student housing walls.

—Reveille