Local Autumn Enthusiasts Dunk With Seasonal Beer
This month, local autumn enthusiasts began dunking their Aggie Rings in seasonal beer. The new choice of liquid caused a sour allspice smell to permeate entire neighborhoods when these beers were regurgitated.
Junior Kimberly Fraser, who took part in this seasonal take on the classic tradition, has no regrets. “I wanted to truly embody fall vibes this semester,” Fraser said. “I thought, ‘what better way to do that than to literally pour a symbol for the season it down my throat?’ But the pumpkin ale didn’t stay down as well as I had planned.”
Although Fraser can no longer enjoy her daily pumpkin cream cold brew without stirring up gross memories, she has maintained that her autumnal dunk was completely worth it.
However, Raul Stafford, Fraser’s neighbor, is feeling less festive following the seasonal celebration. “It smells like my dog ate 3 clearance candles from HomeGoods and blew chunks of it into my yard,” said Stafford. “The leaves here are not falling because of the weather, they’ve shriveled up and died from the stink. I’m just going to hole up in my place until December.”
— Squat Pilgrim
Look, you didn’t ask for your roommate to be the buffest guy in the hall. You’re not opposed to staying fit, but if we’re being honest, you have no idea what this guy is up to most of the time. He’s always drinking brightly colored concoctions, going on about PRs, and blasting the worst music you’ve ever heard while he takes mirror pic after mirror pic. You can’t deny it though: the dude’s got some thighs. Some thick, thunderous, meaty thighs. Sometimes you wonder if it’s really jealousy you’re feeling or if it’s… something else. Never mind.