Century Tree Grows New “Restraining Order” Branch
Last week, College of Agriculture and Life Sciences researchers published a groundbreaking study in Sciencetition Magazine detailing the growth of the new Restraining Order Branch on the Century Tree.
According to Aggie lore, the Century Tree has two main branches named the “Marriage” Branch and the “Friendship” Branch. The “Marriage” Branch, when walked under by a couple, guarantees they will get married. In contrast, walking beneath the “Friendship” Branch, or “Friend-Zone” Branch, ensures that only a platonic relationship can develop.
“When the rumors of a third branch began to surface in early 2011, my team and I began a thorough spatial analysis of the Century Tree. After over a decade of research, we are finally ready to definitively confirm the existence of a third localized source of relational magic on the Century Tree,” Bower said. “In fact, we have found there is a 100% correlation between two people walking under this branch, and a restraining order developing between them.”
While scientists from other universities expressed skepticism, Bower assured critics that his team has thoroughly tested the Restraining Order Branch’s power. “I even had one of my graduate students walk under the tree with his loving wife and three kids, and now he hasn’t seen them in years,” Bower said.
— BTHO Rabies
You’re fighting for your life, sweating bullets on a flag room couch. You got in a wrestling match with a Kyle Field bat and the bat won. He whooped you faster than a junior-by-hours. He beat the 12th man out of you. You better be glad he let you keep on ever-living… ever-loving… You’re alive, but now you feel it coursing through your veins: pure rage in the form of a viral infection. Sure you could get treatment, but old army’s tougher than that. Reveilles 1 through 8 would be rolling in their graves. There’s only one redass, good bull way to handle this. Say it with me now. BEAT. THE. HELL. OUTTA. RABIES. Whoop!