Senior Realizes She Bought All Her Friends
Following the realization that her post-grad life will not be filled with formals and weekly general committee meetings, senior Avery Snaken was shocked to realize that she paid for each of her college friends in one way or another.
Snaken made her first friends in freshman leadership organization, MSC Freshmen Institute for Leadership Loving (MSC FILL). She now attributes each treasured, unhinged, freshman memory to her $80 dues payment.
As she settled into her college experience, she joined women’s org Ladies of Reveille Distributing Equality (LORDE). The $100 dues went to service projects and food drives, but and allowed Snaken to make life-long memories with others who could afford to participate.
While Snaken was highly involved in campus life, she also made friends in her classes. However, with tuition coming out to be around $5,000 per semester, each lab partner, and study buddy cost approximately $634 each, making in-class friends the most pricey of all.
After graduation Snaken looks forward to buying more friends through gym memberships and church retreats.
—Hannibal Lechner
While Hannibal might come across as some psychotic murderer, he’s really just a University Honors student, got it? Yeah sure, he makes prolonged eye contact as you pass by the couches in the Lechner hallway, and his intense obsession with true crime podcasts might make you uneasy, but he’s maybe only a little bit of a sociopath at best. Leave the serial killer vibes to McFadden, okay?