“I Only Smoke When I Drink,” Says Virtue Signaling Alcoholic
In a conversation overheard on the patio of O’Bannon’s Taphouse, Texas A&M University junior and functional alcoholic Chase Gaffney proudly declared that he only smokes when he drinks. Sources indicate that, while Gaffney limits his sober nicotine consumption, he gets plastered every night of the week.
Following his quick smoke break, Gaffney returned to his booth within the bar. He then expressed concern that his roommate is addicted to nicotine.
“I really worry about that guy,” Gaffney said while consuming his thirteenth beer. “I saw him bum a cigarette earlier this week, and I know he hit someone’s vape once at Good Bull. I just really don’t want him to do something he regrets.” Two weeks ago, Gaffney fell through a wall at a house party after ingesting three Four Loko pregames and seven Bacardi shots.
When confronted with the logic that only smoking when you drink only works if you do not drink all the time, Gaffney flipped off the person and put his cigarette out on their arm.
— Flash it Back, Ags
You may have seen her skulking around campus in a beige trenchcoat, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal her ass to unsuspecting students. An exhibitionist at heart, she’s been arrested for streaking fifteen times since 2012. UPD is aware of her presence and is doing their best to keep her away from sporting events, graduations, and the background of promotional materials. You can often find her doing squats at the Rec. If you ask politely, she might just show you her assets.