Brazos County Election Commissioners Remove “College” From College Station
Brazos County Election Commissioners recently announced that the Memorial Student Center will not be an early voting location in the November 2022 midterm elections. Citing the brand new College Station City Hall and the number of Democratic votes cast on campus, the election commissioners chose to pursue other avenues for early voting.
“Oopsies, did we accidentally remove the second biggest early voting location in Brazos County?” said Commissioner Irma Cauley. “Please forgive our itty bitty mistake. We’ll reinstate the MSC as an early voting location next year once the Republicans sweep midterms.”
“Students are the easiest to dupe since they’re only ever three years away from forgetting this whole thing even happened,” said Commissioner Nancy Berry. “But it’s so cute when they come to our meetings to protest voter suppression. What concerned junior citizens!”
Instead of having a long, convenient window to cast their ballots on campus, students will now perform their civic duty by traveling a mile and a half by foot or bicycle to the new College Station City Hall. Those who choose to vote on election day at the MSC will be honored with a Bronze Star for their sacrifice of waiting in line for eight hours to select “Beto O’Rourke” on a voting machine.
County commissioners claim that they didn’t know there was a university surrounding the MSC, but they promise to keep that in mind next year when they choose not to reinstate the early voting location anyway.
— Ring Chunks
No, Ring Chunks is feeling fine, really. Yeah, it was a long journey to the bottom of the pitcher, but she knew that coming into her dunk. That’s why she made sure to let it sit overnight and pick a light beer she didn’t care for and – oh. Oh no. Um, okay, let’s just move her here to the trash can – wait, why is it full? Oh God, Ring Chunks, just keep it together until we can reach the toilet – NO! NOT IN THE KITCHEN SINK!