Letter to the Editors: If Those Animals Didn’t Want to Be Experimented on, Why Were They so Easy to Capture?
Hi Mugdown editors, concerned citizen here. Look, we all know that Texas A&M has experimented on animals. That’s old news. My question to the protesters is, if those animals were so against being experimented on, how come it was so easy to take them?
All I’m saying is, people who get mad at the university for testing on animals forget one big thing; the animals were just there, and we needed test subjects. I mean, I could drive around campus itself and have ten primo, A1 test subjects ready for the lab in like, 13 minutes tops. If I wasn’t supposed to do that, wouldn’t it be a lot harder?
I firmly believe that if those animals didn’t want to be experimented on, they would have performed some Air Bud-esque hijinks to evade capture. However, not one single golden retriever even attempted to subdue all six of us. Seems to me like they were cool with it.
If I wasn’t supposed to be going out every night with my net and my sack labeled “animals for testing,” I would expect to be met with some resistance from the animals I am attempting to seize. Yet, I have encountered none. Really makes you think.
—Middle Class Missionary
Middle Class was always the disappointment of the family. He was born to the family of Swedish death metalheads that founded Hot Topic, but never took an interest in music, the supernatural, or anything alternative. That all changed when one day he picked up a little book written by a fella named Jesus Christ. Soon he would be traveling around the world, spreading the good word at sold out stadiums. Along the way, he picked up more than an acoustic guitar and an affinity for ham-boning. He made a lot of money too! After achieving peak global success, he realized his true purpose in life: to build an ever bigger Protestant church down the street from St. Mary’s.