Roommate Closes Personal Counseling Practice
In a group message to her roommates, senior communication major Rebecca Schwertzman announced she was closing her personal counseling service. The text, sent after a lengthy crying session by her least favorite roommate, said, “That’s it guys, I can’t do this anymore. If you want to cry to someone, go find your own damn therapist or fix your own problem.”
Fallout from the message has been widely felt. One visitor to the home claimed that “a cloud of passive aggression settled over the house.” Sources confirmed that Schwertzman’s message received no replies, just sounds of loud slamming doors and exasperated sighs.
When speaking with The Mugdown, Schwertzman explained the rationale behind her message. “I’ve lived with these three girls for over two years now. Every week there’s some new drama, and I’m always the mom friend that has to talk it out with them. I can’t do it anymore, it’s exhausting!”
Aimee Kerr ‘23, one of Schwertzman’s roommates, denounced the message in a text to her sister. “It’s really a jerk move by Rebecca to do this. Yeah, sure I drunk-cried to her about my ex-boyfriend for two hours, but remember that one time I comforted her after a bad exam grade?”
Schwertzman later apologized for her message to the group, but included additional resources for actual, licensed therapists they could reach out to the next time they have a mental breakdown.
— Milidairy Walk
Riding horseback and scanning the horizon for any cattle left behind, Milidairy Walk proudly lifts his hat and wipes the sweat from his brow. It’s been a long day on the range, and he is ready to get some shut-eye. As he takes in the beautiful sunset, he ponders what his family may do with the ranch generations from now. The sun slowly dips below the hills and Milidairy Walk turns for home, hoping to return before supper gets cold.