Enterprising Business Major Purchases 9% Stake of Graduation Tickets
During a press conference in front of the Wehner Building last Tuesday, junior finance major Matthew Tan announced his acquisition of 5,778 tickets to next month’s graduation ceremonies. As each graduating student is allowed only six guests, Tan now owns approximately 9% of all ceremony tickets. Upon further questioning, Tan revealed he purchased the tickets in order to “uphold an individual’s freedom to graduation tickets.”
“Freely attending graduation is essential to a functioning university. Do we believe Texas A&M is actually adhering to this principle?” Tan said. “Given that College Station serves as the model public college town, failing to adhere to graduation freedom principles fundamentally undermines education everywhere.”
Following the press conference, the university invited Tan to become a member of the planning committee for the ceremonies. However, Tan rescinded his initial promise “to make significant improvements” to the entire ticketing process and unexpectedly withdrew his plan to join the committee.
Rumors have emerged that Tan declined to join the graduation committee in order to avoid the group’s 14.9% personal ticket ownership cap. University officials worryingly speculate that Tan may be planning a hostile takeover of graduation following the purchase of additional tickets.
— BTHO Rabies
You’re fighting for your life, sweating bullets on a flag room couch. You got in a wrestling match with a Kyle Field bat and the bat won. He whooped you faster than a junior-by-hours. He beat the 12th man out of you. You better be glad he let you keep on ever-living… ever-loving… You’re alive, but now you feel it coursing through your veins: pure rage in the form of a viral infection. Sure you could get treatment, but old army’s tougher than that. Reveilles 1 through 8 would be rolling in their graves. There’s only one redass, good bull way to handle this. Say it with me now. BEAT. THE. HELL. OUTTA. RABIES. Whoop!