Professor Awarded $10 Million Grant to Push Boundaries of Tenure
The Department of Psychological & Brain Sciences announced yesterday that Professor Rian Bassell was awarded a $10 million grant from the U.S. Department of Education to continue his groundbreaking research on the boundaries of tenure. Despite their numerous failed attempts to have Dr. Bassell fired, the psychology department expressed “exceptional excitement” at the “well-deserved” award.
Dr. Bassell gained early renown following his paper titled “Can Teaching Assistants Get Away With Never Helping a Single Student?”. He claims his initial research inspiration came during undergraduate when his Introduction to Psychology professor flipped a table during class, broke it, and faced no negative repercussions.
“Ever since that day, I’ve wondered, ‘If I were a professor, how much crap could I get away with before I received any lasting consequences?’,” Bassel said. “I’ve just kept telling people that the stuff I do ‘is for science’, and they kind of let me do whatever.”
Dr. Bassel released his most influential paper last year. This publication tested how easily instructors can manipulate students with grade distributions. One semester, he gave the entire class A’s for doing nothing. The next semester, when students expected an easy class, he purposely withheld high marks no matter how much effort l students put in.
Responding to claims that this type of research is ”unprofessional, abusive, and lazy”, Dr. Bassell’s automated email inbox replied that he “does not answer emails from lowly undergraduates.”
— BTHO Rabies
You’re fighting for your life, sweating bullets on a flag room couch. You got in a wrestling match with a Kyle Field bat and the bat won. He whooped you faster than a junior-by-hours. He beat the 12th man out of you. You better be glad he let you keep on ever-living… ever-loving… You’re alive, but now you feel it coursing through your veins: pure rage in the form of a viral infection. Sure you could get treatment, but old army’s tougher than that. Reveilles 1 through 8 would be rolling in their graves. There’s only one redass, good bull way to handle this. Say it with me now. BEAT. THE. HELL. OUTTA. RABIES. Whoop!