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Texas A&M's First Satirical Newspaper, Since 1875


Single Student Secures Her Future, Studies in ZACH

By Squat Pilgrim , in Campus Life , at April 22, 2022 Tags: , , , ,

On Wednesday afternoon, between her 11:10 a.m. strategic communications class and 2:20 p.m. American poetry class, communications major Eliza Shaw was spotted speed walking from the Liberal Arts & Humanities building toward Zachry.

“I’m hoping to make my future engineer husband stop in his tracks,” Shaw said. “He’ll never know what hit him, and I won’t have to worry about making less than half his salary because by that point, I’ll– we’ll be bound by holy matrimony.”

Upon finding a seat where the light perfectly filtered through the glass, Shaw pulled out her copy of “Applying Communication Theory for Professional Life” and flipped open a random page to look at between looking up every 30 seconds at the selection of engineers.

After successfully garnering several passing looks, Shaw proceeded to Zachbucks to buy an iced matcha latte to carry as she walked around outside to admire the building’s beautifully designed exterior and any potential mates.

“The key is looking whimsical and mesmerized by the world around you, which is easy to achieve if you’re actually enjoying your college experience. I just wish– ”

Her sentence was interrupted as she bumped into a passing student. Shaw apologized quickly. The future engineer took pause for less than a second, expression blank, and continued on his way.

“His manners could use some work, but that was basically a meet-cute,” Shaw said.

 

— Squat Pilgrim