Single Student Secures Her Future, Studies in ZACH
On Wednesday afternoon, between her 11:10 a.m. strategic communications class and 2:20 p.m. American poetry class, communications major Eliza Shaw was spotted speed walking from the Liberal Arts & Humanities building toward Zachry.
“I’m hoping to make my future engineer husband stop in his tracks,” Shaw said. “He’ll never know what hit him, and I won’t have to worry about making less than half his salary because by that point, I’ll– we’ll be bound by holy matrimony.”
Upon finding a seat where the light perfectly filtered through the glass, Shaw pulled out her copy of “Applying Communication Theory for Professional Life” and flipped open a random page to look at between looking up every 30 seconds at the selection of engineers.
After successfully garnering several passing looks, Shaw proceeded to Zachbucks to buy an iced matcha latte to carry as she walked around outside to admire the building’s beautifully designed exterior and any potential mates.
“The key is looking whimsical and mesmerized by the world around you, which is easy to achieve if you’re actually enjoying your college experience. I just wish– ”
Her sentence was interrupted as she bumped into a passing student. Shaw apologized quickly. The future engineer took pause for less than a second, expression blank, and continued on his way.
“His manners could use some work, but that was basically a meet-cute,” Shaw said.
— Squat Pilgrim
Look, you didn’t ask for your roommate to be the buffest guy in the hall. You’re not opposed to staying fit, but if we’re being honest, you have no idea what this guy is up to most of the time. He’s always drinking brightly colored concoctions, going on about PRs, and blasting the worst music you’ve ever heard while he takes mirror pic after mirror pic. You can’t deny it though: the dude’s got some thighs. Some thick, thunderous, meaty thighs. Sometimes you wonder if it’s really jealousy you’re feeling or if it’s… something else. Never mind.