Banks Shoots Self in Foot with Digitizer Ray, Now Lost in Cyberspace

Earlier today, Texas A&M University officials announced that President M. Katherine Banks was involved in an accidental firearm discharge. The incident occurred at approximately 10:19 a.m. when Banks was standing on the Academic Building’s Presidential Balcony. Sources indicate Banks’ digitizer ray, normally used for blasting books and newspapers into the cloud, fired into her foot and subsequently digitized her physical form.

Elicia Paterson, a freshman who witnessed the misfire, said, “She was throwing books off her balcony and blasting them before they could hit the ground, just like she does every morning. This time though, someone shouted, ‘Look out, Kathy! There’s a book right behind you!’ It must have scared her pretty badly because she started shooting that thing off like crazy.”

In her frenzy, Banks reportedly digitized two oak trees, a cat, several benches, and an Aggie Spirit Bus before catching herself with a ray.

Another student, senior River Mansell, had stopped in the Academic Plaza as they were walking to their morning lecture. “It was like watching the Wicked Witch of the West melt into the Matrix,” Mansell said. “Her screams sort of faded into like an AOL dialup type noise, which was honestly kind of sick.”

The Texas A&M Cyber Security Force has asked that students remain on alert for Banks while browsing the web, as she is now running loose on the information superhighway.

Brent Caldwell, Deputy Director of the Cyber Security Force for Texas A&M, said, “We’re currently searching through cyberspace papers regarding censorship, authoritarianism, and unflattering haircuts, but should you ever find yourself lost in cyberspace, you should stay where you are and wait for someone to find you.”

 

— MSC Grasshole