Desperate Student Shaves Head in Hopes of Attracting Bootchasers

With “Ring by Spring” fast approaching, junior electrical engineering major Jacob Roberts has shaved his head in an attempt to appeal to bootchasers, one of the largest segments of the dating scene at Texas A&M University.

The idea came to Roberts after he witnessed several groups of students fawning over a platoon of cadets walking into Dorm 12. Roberts had become desperate after several consecutive celibate semesters and decided to drive to the nearest Sports Clips. The following afternoon, the now-bald engineer was spotted standing awkwardly outside the Quad dressed in khaki pants, a tan t-shirt, and rain boots. Uneasy bystanders claim to have occasionally heard him loudly blurt out Corps of Cadets-related phrases like “Reserve Officers’ Training Corps,” “Yeah, I know Reveille,” and “It’s not hazing; it’s tradition”.

After half an hour without success, Jacob marched to a different area in the Quad, saluted, and started reciting the National Anthem. In a last-ditch scheme to attract one of the dozens of bootchasers roving around the Quad, he even attempted to do some push-ups for the first time since his middle school’s Presidential Physical Fitness Test.

“I think I actually came off as too attractive to bootchasers,” Roberts said to his roommates afterwards. “I looked like the perfect cadet, which probably intimidated them. Otherwise, my plan definitely would’ve worked.”

Laying out on his couch that night eating a pint of Blue Bell’s Cookie Two Step and pondering why he was single, Jacob seems to have dreamed up a second, even better plan. According to one of his roommates, he has been muttering something about the Century Tree and a fishing pole.

 

— BTHO Rabies