President Banks To Install Local Pothead as Head of Philosophy Department

In an announcement from the Office of the President, Katherine Banks will install Dillon Jenks, a local pothead, as the new head of the philosophy department at Texas A&M University. Jenks, better known by his street name “Dummy Man,” is replacing Dr. Theodore George, a Presidential Impact Fellow and Ph.D. holder who once told Banks that it might be an ill-advised idea to rename the College of Liberal Arts to the College of Liberal and Conservative Arts.

Dummy Man, a 26-year-old Bryan native, has no formal education, having dropped out of school in the seventh grade because it “didn’t fit his vibe.” Following a failed career as a musician, Dummy Man read the back cover of “The Joyous Cosmology” by Alan Watts and became a self-described enlightened thinker. He also began smoking copious amounts of marijuana to open his third eye.

“I really think that Mr. Jenks is going to take our philosophy department in a completely new direction,” Banks said. “When I met him on the corner of Villa Maria and South College Avenue, he told me that my hair was the color of sun-tinted pond water. I asked him what it meant, and he said he would have to ponder it. I may not be a philosopher, but this guy really knows how to think.” Banks declined to elaborate on the circumstances that led her to seek out Dummy Man, but representatives from the Office of the President mumbled something about glaucoma when asked for comment.

At press time, Dummy Man could not be reached for comment, but his gentle aura could be felt moving through LAAH.

 

— Flash it Back, Ags