Freshman Cadet Hatfishes Senior at Harry’s
In a new report, many upperclassmen Texas A&M women at Hurricane Harry’s have reportedly fallen victim to a form of catfishing employed by freshmen cadets to conceal their five-finger white wall with hats in a bid to talk to women.
The highest number of incidents happen on Saturday nights during football season when freshmen cadets are released from their dorms for the night, often with fresh haircuts from the weekly football game. In an attempt to appear normal, freshmen cadets don everything from cowboy hats to their corps-issued beanies. Senior girls are reportedly particularly vulnerable to hatfishing by freshman cadets due to lowered standards from a deep-rooted fear of dying alone.
Grace Barnsley, a senior at Texas A&M University, was at the center of the most recent incident. She reportedly burst into tears when the cadet she was dancing with removed his hat to wipe the sweat running down his forehead and revealed his buzzcut.
“After planning our entire life together during the three songs we danced for, seeing his scalp gleam in the light from the White Claw sign was absolutely devastating. He looked like if a thumb had undergone a hair transplant,” said Barnsley. “He was everything I was looking for when I spotted him posted up next to the trash can, hat low over his eyes, looking like one of those sensitive cowboys from ‘Brokeback Mountain’.”
The incident was the highlight of the night for many, upstaging the performance of the Aggie Wranglers and the gaggle of drunk girls that were escorted off the premises for public indecency.
To prevent further hatfishing in their establishment, Hurricane Harry’s management recommends senior girls be on high alert and utilize the following tips to spot a hatfishing cadet:
- Most freshman cadets travel in packs of up to 10 and are almost always wearing a hat.
- If any talk of PFT waivers or 11 minute run times are overheard, management recommends that any senior women immediately leave the area.
— Soiled Science
A self-declared unique individual who may not be like other girls you meet, Soiled Science loves the earth and is really, truly outdoorsy. On any given weekend, you can find this horticulture major camping in minimalist style. Unlike other girls who might find themselves outdoors, Soiled Science has no qualms about poppin’ a squat in the woods and pushing out a ghost rider. She digs a cathole faster than you can ask her why she’s telling you about her bathroom habits. It’s getting a little old hearing about the benefits of fertilizer, but she does bring the most beautiful plants to our meetings.