President Banks Just Made a HUGE Decision About SBP!

During a time when countless student leaders compete for the coveted role of Student Body President, Texas A&M University President M. Katherine Banks has recently made an amendment to the student election bylaws. From this year forward, Banks will be choosing the candidate directly and formally changing the position title to Student Body Puppet.

In the past, this position has represented relative independence from the university and gained reverence from dozens of students. Now, Banks has stated that she plans on destroying the election process altogether and picking the candidate most fit to fulfill her personal agenda.

“President Banks rightly noted the strife and in-fighting that student body elections were creating,” said Charles Brody, a junior finance major and SBP candidate. “It saves the university and other candidates valuable time and funds for her to just pick someone.”

According to administrative sources, Brody has sat in several meetings with President Banks and was recently seen at Bee Creek Park engaging in several rounds of pickleball with the president.

“Initially, I was outraged because of the big plans I had for my sorority sisters and also the sanctity of elections or whatever,” said candidate Carly Jacobsen when asked her opinion on the newly-announced election process. “But then I felt relieved, considering I probably wasn’t going to win and was really just chasing the title anyway.”

Despite this seemingly significant decision by Banks, Brody was already projected to win by a landslide 24 votes simply by running on the campaign promise to do nothing more than provide free scantrons for tests during his presidency. Once again, pointless meetings and failed policy changes are forecasted for the future of Texas A&M.

 

— House Boyz II Men & Walton, Texas Ranger