Leaked! You’ll Never Guess What Administration Is Banning From Campus Next!

After a slew of campus organizations have had programming banned or have been conveniently “reorganized,” students are brimming with anticipation of what will be the next thing to go. Our sources have just leaked the latest and greatest additions to this list.

 

1. Student Workers

Let’s be honest. These jobs don’t pay you enough, and you don’t really do anything, so is it really anyone’s loss? Just remember next time you’re playing Wordle at your desk that it’s only a matter of time before the administration takes away your false sense of adulthood and financial independence.

 

2. The fun KINE 199 classes

You thought you could come to college and do things like SCUBA dive, rock climb, kayak, and race walk? Think again. It turns out these classes don’t make as much money as the football program, so in the wise words of the MGT consulting report, they’ve got to go!

 

3. Mays Business School

After rumors of their own consulting reports from Deloitte’s newest intern class, the administration knows that they must put an end to any competition. Mays students are expected to be combined with the College of Engineering in the newly announced College of Business and Engineering. Let’s hear it for our new women in STEM!

 

4. The Corps 

It’s every bootchaser’s nightmare, and the rest of the student body’s dream! Gone will be days of being charged by camo during your campus strolls, and maybe we’ll finally shed our hazing reputation. Well, probably not, but an Ag can dream…

 

5. The Mugdown

Just kidding, we got you! Don’t worry, we’re here to stay whether you like it or not and there’s nothing Kathy can do to stop us.

 

— Hannibal Lechner