We Slept With Every Guy On Campus So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What They DON’T Want You To Know!
The Mugdown prides itself on the measures we take to obtain information and expose the darkest, dirtiest secrets at Texas A&M University. We sent four of our writers to (consensually) infiltrate the beds of every man on campus over the last six months to acquire data on half of the student body population. Here’s what we found.
- The national average size of a man’s shaft is 5.57 inches. To our astonishment, Texas A&M boasts an average of 8.78 inches, not including the outliers above 9.5 inches as averaged in the Corps of Cadets. Keep up the good work, Ags!
- Almost 91% of the sexual interactions were unintentionally speedrun at an average of 2 minutes and 34 seconds. 5% managed an average time of 7 minutes and 23 seconds, and the remaining 4% stood at over 16 minutes. However, most of those above 16 minutes were unable to successfully finish the aforementioned act.
- Contrary to popular belief, Texas A&M men do shower. They just don’t use soap. They are under the illusion that “water trickling down from the shoulders to the legs is sufficient for an effective cleanse,” said junior materials science major Simon Gibbles. Our investigators claim that the days-old skid marks prove otherwise.
- Speaking of personal hygiene, some Aggies are embracing the agricultural history of our school by growing and maintaining their own personal dairy farm. For those of our readers who do not understand that self-grown cheese is not a sign of evolutionary prowess we hold you in our thoughts and prayers.
- Despite the above-average statistics on most desirable sexual qualities, only 23% of the interactions held between our investigators and the entire male population of Texas A&M were deemed “pleasurable.” We also hope that your experience with us was up to your satisfaction, and feel free to drop a review in the comments!
We are humbled to reveal that, by virtue of our efforts and research methods, 99.9% of campus men do not identify as virgins. We offer our thanks to everyone who contributed to this research and made this experience truly unforgettable.
— BIMS and Snap
One day after a particularly rough organic chemistry lab, BIMS and Snap needed a pick-me-up. After haphazardly driving her black, convertible Porsche down Texas Avenue, she screeched into the parking lot of the vet school, certain that a new sweatshirt from the College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences store would do the trick. As she was walking into VIDI, she saw an absolute hunk of a third-year vet student in a form-fitting white lab coat. Unsure of what to do, BIMS and Snap threw her lab goggles to the ground, dropped to grab them, and quickly snapped back up, hoping to get the vet student’s attention. Since the world is not like “Legally Blonde,” the vet student called CAPS, who recommended that BIMS and Snap channel her need for attention into something a little more productive, like satirical journalism.