Fifth Year Senior Feels Weird Objectifying Junior Yell Candidates
At a hangout for her women’s organization last Tuesday, super senior Lacie Evans felt an involuntary rush of concern as she analyzed this year’s 5 for Yell candidates. After an intense self-reflection later that night, Evans realized she felt a little weird objectifying 19-year-old boys as a 23-year-old student.
Speaking to Mugdown reporters, Evans explained her newfound sense of pedophilia. “As a freshman, the yell leaders were so hot! I mean, did you see the class of 2018? Now, however, they just look like my younger brother in high school.”
Diana Traverson, another graduate student, agreed. “Back when I was a freshman, the yell leaders looked like men. Now, I have to look away during sporting events because I’m just absolutely disgusted by my previous attraction to the little boys in white.”
Upon further research, Evans’ perspective on the yell leader race this year appears to be a common theme among older students. Recent polls for this year’s election have shown a dramatic decrease in voter turnout amongst female students over 22 years of age.
— Milidairy Walk
Riding horseback and scanning the horizon for any cattle left behind, Milidairy Walk proudly lifts his hat and wipes the sweat from his brow. It’s been a long day on the range, and he is ready to get some shut-eye. As he takes in the beautiful sunset, he ponders what his family may do with the ranch generations from now. The sun slowly dips below the hills and Milidairy Walk turns for home, hoping to return before supper gets cold.