Women Regret Petitioning to Attend Texas A&M
In 1963, Texas A&M University president General James Earl Rudder opened enrollment to female students, a landmark decision that has led to the current regret of 47% of the university’s student population.
The university has continuously striven to achieve a culture of excellence. However, the inclusion of female students was an oversight that requires immediate amending. Women may deserve a place on campus, but that does not mean they actually want one. Recent polling conducted by the Student Government Association Diversity Commission revealed 93% of the female population on campus believe the root of their stress and unhappiness is their pursuit of higher education.
When interviewed, Aggie Feminism Club president Jebodiah Monroe said, “Misogynistic practices, by definition, are prejudiced against women. But as an ally to women, I understand that the decision to withdraw from Texas A&M is their choice. I have no right to an opinion on their vision for the future.” His AFC officer board is already drawing up plans for “a better Texas A&M” and a peaceful transition back to the patriarchal roots of this university.
Women’s organizations have already drafted their petitions to begin the transition back to an all-men’s school for their sake and the sake of their children. They are eagerly awaiting a response from fellow female, President Banks.
— BIMS and Snap
One day after a particularly rough organic chemistry lab, BIMS and Snap needed a pick-me-up. After haphazardly driving her black, convertible Porsche down Texas Avenue, she screeched into the parking lot of the vet school, certain that a new sweatshirt from the College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences store would do the trick. As she was walking into VIDI, she saw an absolute hunk of a third-year vet student in a form-fitting white lab coat. Unsure of what to do, BIMS and Snap threw her lab goggles to the ground, dropped to grab them, and quickly snapped back up, hoping to get the vet student’s attention. Since the world is not like “Legally Blonde,” the vet student called CAPS, who recommended that BIMS and Snap channel her need for attention into something a little more productive, like satirical journalism.