MSC Panda Express to Offer Competitive 15 Fortune Cookies An Hour
This weekend, Panda Express posted a new sign in front of their Memorial Student Center location advertising a new compensation plan to bring in fresh talent. Starting in February, new hires can expect to receive up to 15 fortune cookies per hour, subject to work experience.
Panda Express management has stated that their new mission is to keep not only customers satisfied, but employees as well. Employee retention has been an internal concern at locations such as the MSC in the past, and Panda Express’s new program is tailored toward their younger employees such as students.
“We decided to pay our employees in a commodity so they wouldn’t have to spend all their time using actual money to buy goods and services,” said Sandra Billings, the manager of the MSC Panda Express. “Fortune cookies can be eaten for any meal, given as gifts, or you can even pay back a college loan with enough of them. This streamlines our employees’ personal lives so they can get back to work in time for the 6 p.m. dinner rush.”
According to employees of the MSC location, many suffer from burnout, which often leads to a resignation or firing. Despite the appeal of the new compensation program, many employees are torn on its efficacy. Some employees still believe it will do nothing to relieve undue stress by their managers and general lack of useful cash, while others claim to foresee great financial prosperity in their future.
— Plaid Libs
In order to fight the evil forces of (President Michael K. Young), Plaid Libs flew down from his birthplace in the cosmos to Earth, riding on a (frisky) ray of (tanks). Legend says that he is (45) years old, (17.32) feet tall, lives in (the back row of the Chem building lecture hall), and is positively brimming with (wetness). While fantastic at (vibing), he is a bit shy when it comes to his (garden). At the end of the day, though, The Mugdown keeps him around for his (30 rack). In order to summon him, chant the following words in front of an (anime body pillow) at (4:20) on a (Sunday): The (polyamorous) (cuckhold) (cannonballs) at sundown.