Tenured Professor Just Doing Whatever The Hell They Want
Last Wednesday at 2:16 p.m., tenured professor Dr. Lainey Rowan was found teaching her MATH 140 class in a dark Heldenfels classroom while wearing a sunhat and sunglasses. Although the course syllabus required her to teach calculus, she happily educated her room full of confused students on the topic of Bitcoin while sipping liquid from an unlabeled flask.
“My friends told me to retake calculus for the GPA boost,” said freshman math major Davis McClainny. “I don’t think what she’s teaching is calculus, but she also doesn’t take questions during class, so we couldn’t actually tell her.”
An examination of the grade distribution of Rowan and other tenured professors’ classes found that nearly all of their GPA distributions were above a 3.5. This was likely due to the fact that not a single student received a graded paper that semester, and all did phenomenally well.
When asked to comment on the situation as well as the teaching material for the course, Rowan declined with a rude hand gesture, walking quickly from our Mugdown reporter.
— Do Rev Mi
If you have ever heard the loud, operatic singing filling your dorm’s halls that makes you want to ram your head into a wall, then you’ve definitely heard Do Rev Mi practicing. This singer was assigned the important task of singing Reveille her nightly lullabies to make sure she has a paw-fect night of sleep. Otherwise, she might try and bite someone, and we wouldn’t want that, right?