REPORT: Scoreboard Adds 15 Pounds
During the football game on Saturday, your psyche was permanently altered after seeing yourself on the Kyle Field jumbotron. While you had previously been confident in your choice of outfit, your brain immediately reverted to middle school insecurities following your five-second spotlight.
For the past three years, you have relied on photographing yourself from the same four angles to avoid confronting changes in your physical appearance. While you know it would be unrealistic to maintain the same figure you had while competing in two high school sports, the unsolicited view of the true shape of your body unlocked a core memory of being in an American Eagle fitting room with your mom and six pairs of skinny jeans.
As you spiral over the cruelty of time and its toll on the human body, you decide to look at tagged pictures of your friends who have also found their way onto the jumbotron. As you scroll through these photos, you realize that no one looks good when caught by surprise and the scoreboard must add at least 15 pounds to everyone’s appearance. You sigh in relief, content to avoid perceiving your physical appearance until you inevitably catch a glimpse of yourself walking by the big windows on the first floor of Rudder Tower next week.
— Flash it Back, Ags
You may have seen her skulking around campus in a beige trenchcoat, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal her ass to unsuspecting students. An exhibitionist at heart, she’s been arrested for streaking fifteen times since 2012. UPD is aware of her presence and is doing their best to keep her away from sporting events, graduations, and the background of promotional materials. You can often find her doing squats at the Rec. If you ask politely, she might just show you her assets.