Forward Progress Call Made on Diversity

After a review of the current campus climate, Texas A&M University officials announced that diversity will be “ruled down by forward progress” and evaluated based on the best spot that it had attained in accordance with NCAA and SEC rules. Moreover, any future controversial event that might move the perceived state of equity and inclusion on campus backwards will be inconsequential, as diversity has already been marked at a better spot before the backward motion began.

“I know it might seem like something could happen that would make us reconsider whether we’ve made any diversity progress,” said Gen. Joe Ramirez, Interim Vice President for Student Affairs. “But we’ve already moved the chains; the ball has broken the plane, and we’ve gotten a touchdown. There isn’t really any need to go further once you’ve put those points on the board, and there’s certainly nothing that could happen after the whistle that could impact it negatively.”

At press time, the Division of Student Affairs was scrambling to put out a new statement after learning about unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.

— Mugdown Staff