Intramural Referee Offers Injured Player Choice Between Honorable Death, Shaming Team

This past Monday during a match between New Kicks On The Block and One Kick Wonders, two recreational league kickball teams, star kicker and Texas A&M University junior Jordan Ferguson was struck by a severe calf cramp while running the bases. Following this injury, intramural referees gave Ferguson a choice between shaming his team with a ghost out or execution by firing squad.

“Here at Intramural Sports, we are committed to maintaining the integrity of our recreational division games,” said Connor Bartram, a referee for Intramural Sports. “In order to accomplish this, we have a low tolerance for injuries on the field. Cramps, broken bones, and hard falls are no excuse to leave the field. Offering our injured athletes an honorable death not only puts them out of their misery, but it also speeds up the game in order to operate on our tight schedules.”

To ensure a quick, painless death, injured players are taken to the back corner of Penberthy Field One near the chain link fence. The referees then place a hood over the condemned’s head and begin to play “Amazing Grace” on bagpipes while the others carry out the execution. The body is then rolled over the fence and down the hill into the ditch behind Penberthy.

Ferguson’s teammates were unaware of his honorable death, believing instead that he had been carried by the referees to the medical station. “Some time during the third inning we heard a gunshot,” said Elizabeth Wilingham, Ferguson’s teammate. “The referees assured us it was unrelated. Either way, I’m just so glad we didn’t have to take a ghost out like complete losers.”

At press time, Ferguson’s ethereal voice could be heard from beyond the grave in the Penberthy parking lot, extolling his gratitude for the mercy of the referees and their commitment to the game.

 

— Crygon & Flash it Back, Ags