MSC Starbucks to Be Converted to All Faiths Chapel
In a press conference on Monday, Texas A&M University officials announced that the Barnes & Noble Starbucks café in the Memorial Student Center will be redesignated as All Faiths Chapel beginning next month. The move follows the announcement that the current All Faiths Chapel location will be bulldozed to expand parking for the A.P. Beutel Health Center.
“This is the end of days!” said John Ellison, a local preacher who has been campaigning to save All Faiths Chapel for years. John Ellison, more commonly known as Brother John, has become a campus fixture known for his characteristic clothing and his signature booming voice. He can be spotted in Rudder Plaza decrying the long rumored closure of All Faiths Chapel as symbolic of the university’s descent into godless wickedness.
University officials stated that the move to the MSC Starbucks made sense considering the large number of bible studies, intentional conversations, and proselytizing that occur daily in the café. “Oh yeah, I never study there because someone always asks if they can pray over me,” said Robert Salacio, a junior biology major. “I guess it’s nice that they’re making it official.”
The response of the student body to the change has been largely positive. “I think it’s great!” said economics sophomore and Breakaway volunteer Maggie Graten. “But what’s All Faiths Chapel? I’ve never heard of it.”
— Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.