Senior Relieved to Have New Excuse for Laziness

Marketing major Weston Bartlesby was relieved to discover that he could use his senior classification as a fresh and reliable excuse for his lack of motivation in his studies. The class shift comes at a welcome time for Bartlesby, who has been struggling to replace his “bad internet” ruse since all classes returned to in-person attendance this fall.

“No more learning from home. No dead dog. I had no ideas for what I could blame my disinterest on anymore,” Bartlesby said. “Now I can finally delete my ‘It’s been a tough semester’ email template that I send to my professors right before grades come out every cycle.”

The widely-accepted phenomenon known as “senioritis” is still questioned by some in the marketing department, but Bartlesby claims that it is more real than all his feigned trips to Beutel, where he would acquire an excused absence for a class he had already slept through earlier that morning.

Despite the four years of evidence from varied coursework, it has not yet occurred to him that he just might not enjoy being a student. Bartlesby plans to attend graduate school next fall.

 

— Aggie Faceplant