Tiff’s Treats Offers Package for Telling Your Roommates They Must Quarantine
On Monday, local cookie store Tiff’s Treats unveiled an innovative package designed for students who need to notify their roommates that they must quarantine. The package includes two dozen cookies, four N-95 masks, and a decorative hazmat sign to be used as home decor. The new offering is intended to decrease the awkwardness of notifying your housemates that you tested positive for COVID-19, have therefore exposed them to a deadly illness, and, more pressingly, extremely inconvenienced them.
Following the first round of mandatory testing for all students and staff, Texas A&M University reported 3,744 positive COVID-19 tests from August 22nd through September 18th, signifying a large need for this creative product. “Once we saw cases rising, we knew we had a golden opportunity,” Tiff’s Treats manager Kay Gerrell said. “Sure, college students basically being plague rats is bad for the community, but it’s great for business!”
Despite large numbers of students reporting positive COVID-19 tests and exposures, Texas A&M is not requiring professors to universally offer hybrid Zoom options this semester. “The Tiff’s Treats package really helped with telling my roommates that they would probably fall 10 days behind in all of their classes,” sophomore Hannah Erens said. “They could barely be passive aggressive when I distracted them with warm cookies!”
— Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.