Clone of Haynes King to Start Against New Mexico
Image credit: Parker Todd
Following the football matchup against the University of Colorado in Denver, Texas A&M University football head coach Jimbo Fisher was surprisingly unphased in his post-game press conference. “We always prepare for the worst,” said Fisher in his statement to a TexAgs reporter. “We will see a version of Haynes [King] sooner than we think.” This statement left many confused and concerned, as Haynes King, starting quarterback, sustained serious injuries following a sack early in the game on Saturday.
Today, Fisher called a press conference in College Station to make an announcement. In collaboration with Texas A&M’s College of Veterinary Medicine and the NCAA, Fisher has launched an advanced form of cloning therapy to provide identical backups of the most talented players on the team. At this point in time, Fisher did not reveal which other players have been cloned. He revealed that King’s backup, “Haynes Queen”, has been defrosted and has quietly been taking snaps with the team all week. This is due to a loophole in NCAA guidelines that allows clones to have eligibility as long as their source body is still eligible for competition and the clone falls under an additional full academic scholarship. Following King’s recovery, Queen will be allowed to remain a Texas A&M student under scholarship.
Fisher has had a long history of talented quarterbacks under his helm, including Jameis Winston, Florida State quarterback and former first-overall draft pick, and Kellen Mond, rookie quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings. Fisher is no stranger to investing extra funds towards advanced health methods, including cryotherapy, laser eye surgery, and stem cell treatments to improve quarterback play. While cloning is controversial to some, many TexAgs forum members have given praise to Fisher’s innovative methods. “Jimbo Fisher has kept the flame of a College Football National Championship alive!” said one user.
Immediately following Fisher’s press conference, protests questioning the ethics of cloning for the purpose of college football began outside Kyle Field. However, the NCAA has shown their approval for both Fisher and Queen. Regardless of the morality of the decision, the Aggies will have their starting quarterback this weekend.
— Century Swingers
If there’s one thing the members of the Century Club know better than soliciting donations, it’s swinging. Regardless of age, gender, or income, these people are serious about cutting loose and swinging to their hearts’ content. And by swinging, we do mean swing sets. The Association’s master swinger, Century Swingers, is a pro at installing any type of swing: tree swings, rope swings, porch swings, sawhorse swings, you name it. Rumor has it he once went the full loop around a swing set, but we’ve yet to see it happen.