CAPS Replaces Psychologist Staff with Fish Camp Counselors
In a recent attempt to cut Texas A&M Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) costs, all licensed psychologists have been released from their positions and replaced by Fish Camp counselors.
Few have been surprised by this move, as Fish Camp counselors have long operated as pseudo-psychologists when interacting with freshmen in their discussion group (DG). Topics of discussion during DG time range from familial struggles and mental illness to sexual orientation and identity issues, making conversations usually saved for close friends and professional psychologists a regular occurrence. Freshmen often feel pressured by counselors to share certain things about themselves and expose their most intimate secrets during their first interaction with college life.
Despite the major shift in CAPS staffing, certain students support the change. “This is such a great opportunity for me,” said Victoria Taylor, a third-year Fish Camp counselor. “I’ve been coercing freshmen to talk about their issues at Lakeview for years, and I only got a few Instagram posts out of it. Now, I get paid to do it.”
Even though most of the newly hired Fish Camp counselors are still in undergraduate courses themselves and their qualifications are most often “helped my best friend through their break up” or “watched a TED talk about psychology one time”, initial results look promising. Using Fish Camp counselors’ unique ability to manipulate students into opening up quickly, CAPS expects to reach more students than ever.
— Quadbuck Naked
A caffeine-addicted fish with nothing to lose, Quadbuck Naked would rather strip down to his birthday suit and do a unit run while singing a jodie than go a single day without his coffee. Granted, he is an expert in what he calls “whipping out,” and has been known to do so on command. When he’s not sitting in the center of the first three rows of the lecture hall, you can spot this crazy cadet on the Quad sipping from a Starbucks cup. Who knows, bootchasers, maybe he’ll buy you a caramel macchiato one of these days! All we ask is that you tell us whether his fish cut matches the drapes.