Sunday, November 24, 2024
Texas A&M's First Satirical Newspaper, Since 1875


FLO Banner Zombies Devour First Victim of Semester

By MSC ALITTLE , in Campus Life , at September 6, 2021 Tags: , , , , ,

For the first time since September 2019, zombies are back at Texas A&M to aid in freshmen leadership organization, or FLO, recruitment. It did not take long for these brain-eating humanoids, employed by the Freshman Leadership Advisory Council, to claim their first unsuspecting victim.

According to helpless onlookers, incoming freshman Jennifer Luna was walking into the Memorial Student Center for lunch when she was first engaged by the zombie. Sources did not indicate exactly why Luna stopped to talk with the creature, but one eyewitness claims Luna had asked the zombie to repeat what it had said, as its “find your family” croak was barely audible.

Despite the vicious and human-centered eating habits of zombies, Freshman Leadership Advisory Council maintains that these creatures are a necessary risk. “Surely we can’t ask our FLO counselors to stand out in the Texas heat for weeks straight holding a banner,” said Janelle Montoya, who serves as a counselor for Freshman Leaders in Christ. “Zombies are the only way many of these orgs are able to get their name out there, and we all know how rare casualties are anyway.”

Researchers at the Institute for Formerly-Human Science have attributed the low feasting rate of zombies on students to two main factors. First, most Texas A&M students have no interest in any of the FLO banners and often put in bluetooth-utilizing Airpods, a known repellent. Secondly, most freshmen who would otherwise be susceptible to zombie FLO recruitment have already been “marked” by counselors during Fish Camp. This lets the zombies know that they have already been claimed by the FLO that their DG parent was in.

After considering the unique situation this semester presents, the Interfraternity Council has announced a partnership with zombies to reach their new target demographic of “anyone who isn’t a transfer student and didn’t go to high school with four actives.”

 

— MSC ALITTLE