Jimbo Displays Faith In Team, Cancels All Games For Opponents’ Sake
In a bombshell announcement that rocked the college football landscape, Texas A&M University head coach Jimbo Fisher announced that the Aggies will not be playing any football games this season because it “wouldn’t be fair to other teams.” This unprecedented move comes months after Texas A&M football achieved its highest ranking since 1939 and only weeks before the beginning of a season that Aggie fans hoped would end with a championship. Although his program faces sanctions from the NCAA and the SEC, Fisher has doubled down on the decision, emphasizing that Texas A&M’s core values are more important than football wins.
“This isn’t a choice I made lightly, but it really came down to respect,” Fisher said. “We’ve got a lot of respect for the dedication that the players and coaches of Alabama, Georgia, and Florida have shown while preparing to play us, and I don’t think that embarrassing our rivals on national TV would be the best way for us to show that.”
Unfortunately, Jimbo’s explanation was not satisfactory for most college football pundits. Many have accused Fisher of failing to confront the reality that his team might not live up to the high expectations set by fans. One ESPN reporter even suggested that Fisher is just trying to avoid the fate of former Texas head coach Tom Hermann, who was fired two seasons after his quarterback declared, “Texas is back.”
Despite the criticism, Fisher insisted that his motivations are altruistic and mentioned there is one way the Aggies might take the field this fall: a “mercy rule”. This statement is at odds with previous comments regarding mercy rules made by Fisher, who once caused an NCAA audit of Texas A&M Athletics by saying, “my guys aren’t being paid to have mercy” following a 62-3 win.
Despite this fall’s lack of live football, university spokespeople have promised that there will be events on campus designed to meet the day-drinking needs of students. At press time, athletic director Ross Bjork announced that Saturday game days will now feature replays of the 2012 Alabama, 2018 LSU, and 2020 Florida games on the Kyle Field screen.
–MSC ALITTLE
You’ve seen him, the phantom of the Memorial Student Center, lurking in the back of the lunch crowd. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of him darting in and out of various conference rooms. MSC ALITTLE is the CEO of overcommitment, and a sucker for any organization with a pithy acronym. His motives are a mystery. Clout chasing? Resume building? Maybe he just really likes the food at Rev’s. Whatever the case, we count ourselves lucky to be swept away to his lair in the basement, to be tutored in time management and seizing the day.