Student Ratcheting up Addictions Before Summer Break
Recent reports indicate that sophomore Wilber Krumholtz has been absolutely obliterating himself every weekend since the beginning of the spring semester. Faced with the bleak prospect of a sober two months at home with his family, Krumholtz is preparing himself by doubling down on what he refers to as his “party lifestyle.”
“I can survive the two months,” Krumholtz said. “I just have to get it all out of my system first.” While sources remain unclear on what exactly “it” is, it is unlikely that Krumholtz was referring to the copious amounts of alcohol and other drugs he had ingested in the last 48 hours.
At press time, Krumholtz’s apartment bore the marks of a pre-break binge. His roommates had all gone home to their respective families, leaving Krumholtz alone in a blighted wasteland of beer cans and empty Puff Bars. Clinging to the final scraps of life this semester has to offer while battling his parents’ pleas for him to come home, Krumholtz continued telling his parents he “can’t leave his apartment looking like this.”
“And it’s not that I’m unhappy with my life either,” Krumholtz said unprompted. “I can stop anytime I want.”
— Walton, Texas Ranger
Coming from a long line of beef cattle barons, Walton, Texas Ranger knows his way around a slab of meat. You can usually find him at Rosenthal in between the tenderloin and beef shoulder. He’s the envy of every man on the Aggie Barbecue team and the apple of every horse girl’s eye and, honestly, we can’t blame them.