Breaking: Reveille IX Refuses Peaceful Transition of Power
In a sit-down interview with The Mugdown, Reveille IX and her team revealed that the queen of Texas A&M University will be returning for another year. This revelation comes as a surprise to many who were ready to see the reign of Reveille X, a younger and more culturally sensitive canine. After bingeing all four seasons of The Crown during the snowstorm, Reveille IX realized that the only thing that should come between her and her crown is death. “This university must be out of its mind to think it can just replace me with a younger, skinnier, and more well-spoken dog,” Reveille IX said.
Texas A&M administrators are reportedly “bewildered”. This will be a crucial test of Dr. Kathy Banks’ career as president of the university, as her entire legacy will hinge on the handling of this situation. “Reveille IX was an important part of this school’s history, the key part of that statement being the word ‘was.’ Her time is up!” said a spokesperson for Banks.
Students are conflicted on the issue as well. According to data from local nonprofit Maroon Dogs Against Ageism, 90% of students believe that it is in the school’s best interest to bring Reveille IX back for another term. Other students have spread the photo of Reveille IX’s famous biting scene, declaring her to be a “danger to herself and others” while demanding the school continue the succession.
In a closing remark in her interview, Reveille IX looked directly at the camera and said, “I gave this school my best years, and this is how it chooses to repay me? I was here before you all, and I will be here after.” Whether aimed as a threat to the administration or to her successor, Reveille X, time will tell if Reveille IX’s new attitude will be the paw that finally breaks the administration’s back.
— Hullabaloo Neglect Neglect
Hullabaloo Neglect Neglect is the king of commitment issues. Every week he seems to find a new hobby and source of identity, and he always goes all-in on purchasing supplies. He probably should’ve been on “Hoarders” by now from the looks of his apartment with its abandoned musical instruments, piles of different art supplies, dusty gaming consoles, shriveled houseplants, and once-used roller skates. He’s really tried it all! Oh no, don’t look in that aquarium— his betta fish phase didn’t last long. Let’s also not talk about his love life, because it’s not any better. But anyways, we love having Hullabaloo Neglect Neglect around, and we’re sure that The Mugdown isn’t just a phase for him!