Texas A&M to Administer Placement Exams for Upcoming Semester
In a recent statement, Texas A&M University announced plans to administer placement exams to all students to re-evaluate and confirm their academic standing within each of their classes. This decision follows the discovery that exam and quiz scores in STEM core classes went up an average of 82% in the span of the virtual academic year, arousing suspicion of academic dishonesty amongst campus officials.
When questioned about their personal and academic growth, many students claim that the virtual format allowed professors to spend more time improving their teaching skills. “I really took it upon myself to examine and refine my study habits during this last year,” said sophomore biomedical sciences major Georgina Jeffreys as she peeled notes off of the wall behind her monitor. “I had to Q-drop my PHYS 201 class last year because my grades were so low, but I just took my third midterm in the course and I got a 95.”
While the vaccine rollout may be signaling the light at the end of the pandemic tunnel, a new wave of anxiety is taking students as courses are offered 100% in-person next semester.
“I don’t know how professors can expect us to transition from taking exams on Zoom to taking exams in a monitored in person setting without tanking our GPA,” said junior nuclear engineering major Steven Bloomberg. “If I am being completely honest, most of us have lost our ability to study properly. Assignments and exams aren’t actually serious when they are virtual.”
Campus officials say that a placement exam would confirm a student’s ability to move forward in their major to upper-level courses. “If a student fails to meet the requirements for an upper-level course, or their placement exam scores do not correlate with their course grades, they will be dealt with accordingly.”
— BIMS and Snap
One day after a particularly rough organic chemistry lab, BIMS and Snap needed a pick-me-up. After haphazardly driving her black, convertible Porsche down Texas Avenue, she screeched into the parking lot of the vet school, certain that a new sweatshirt from the College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences store would do the trick. As she was walking into VIDI, she saw an absolute hunk of a third-year vet student in a form-fitting white lab coat. Unsure of what to do, BIMS and Snap threw her lab goggles to the ground, dropped to grab them, and quickly snapped back up, hoping to get the vet student’s attention. Since the world is not like “Legally Blonde,” the vet student called CAPS, who recommended that BIMS and Snap channel her need for attention into something a little more productive, like satirical journalism.