Student Uses Multi-Million Dollar Center of Arts and Culture to Pirate ‘Suicide Squad’
Last Thursday, sophomore Brett Cogburn logged on to the Texas A&M University Wi-Fi in the Memorial Student Center to pirate the 2016 film “Suicide Squad.” According to eyewitnesses, Cogburn entered the MSC, a $125 million living memorial dedicated to Aggies who have made the ultimate sacrifice in service to their nation and sat next to the open grand piano in the historic Flag Room, where he proceeded to bootleg the film.
Sitting in the spiritual center of Texas A&M, surrounded by his peers and dozens of murals detailing the history of the university, Cogburn reportedly only looked up from his laptop once when he heard footsteps from a student organization meeting releasing on the floor above and turned his headphones up with a sigh. When contacted by The Mugdown regarding Thursday’s events, Cogburn claimed to have no recollection of anything but the illegally-streamed movie, rated a 26% by Rotten Tomatoes.
“I noticed he’d been sitting next to me in the Flag Room for a while, so I asked him to watch my backpack while I went to print something,” said eyewitness Amanda Shelly. “He mumbled something that I took as a yes, but when I got back, he was still staring at his laptop and my stuff was gone. I don’t think he ever even looked up.”
Halfway through his movie viewing, Cogburn did temporarily leave to use the restroom downstairs but took his laptop with him. He admitted to Mugdown reporters to using the movie as a way to ignore unwanted noise like the sound of the vibrant and supportive Super Smash Brothers community gathered at the dedicated MSC gaming spaces. According to Cogburn, he effectively drowned out the sound of those Aggies celebrating their shared passion on his way to the restroom, in addition to everyone upstairs during his time in the Memorial Student Center.
— Plaid Libs
In order to fight the evil forces of (President Michael K. Young), Plaid Libs flew down from his birthplace in the cosmos to Earth, riding on a (frisky) ray of (tanks). Legend says that he is (45) years old, (17.32) feet tall, lives in (the back row of the Chem building lecture hall), and is positively brimming with (wetness). While fantastic at (vibing), he is a bit shy when it comes to his (garden). At the end of the day, though, The Mugdown keeps him around for his (30 rack). In order to summon him, chant the following words in front of an (anime body pillow) at (4:20) on a (Sunday): The (polyamorous) (cuckhold) (cannonballs) at sundown.