Finance Department Announces Record Earnings From Sale of Students’ Souls
In the Q4 earnings call for the Department of Finance at Texas A&M University, CFO Robert Davies announced a record year for net income. In a further look at the annual report, it was revealed the bulk of those profits was from the increase in annual sales of students’ souls to the business world.
For students outside of Mays Business School, this may come as a surprise, as many majors follow their own will and dreams after graduating college. However, with the addition of the strategic initiatives set in place by the finance department around ten years ago, finance students have entered into a soul trade with the department in exchange for an internship and, later, a job.
Chief Strategy Officer William Gerwood explained the context behind the process. “While we naturally could design a program to help students find jobs their junior or senior years, the CFO and I saw a great business opportunity for the department in respect to these impressionable students. Instead of helping them later on in their college career, we could create a trade at the beginning of their sophomore year in exchange for their soul.”
The CFO continued the story, stating, “With the creation of programs like Aggies on Wall Street, Corporate Finance, or the Trading, Risk, and Investments Program, we lured these kids in their sophomore year and got them to sign their life away for a job in their respective fields. Then, even if they wanted out, we had already forward sold their souls to Fortune 500 companies. You wouldn’t believe how much some of these banks and oil companies would pay up for these young, warm bodies!”
After hearing the earnings call, a few students also weighed in on the announcement. Junior finance major Richard Westings said, “Yeah, I vaguely remember signing my life away to Aggies on Wall Street during my sophomore year. It was probably one of the worst semesters of my life, I didn’t even get an internship in New York, and I hate investment banking now… but think of my starting salary!”
Senior Lauren Ellington agreed, saying, “I don’t necessarily love getting forced into a job by my department, but at least I won’t have to sell my soul to consulting like the management majors.”
— Milidairy Walk
Riding horseback and scanning the horizon for any cattle left behind, Milidairy Walk proudly lifts his hat and wipes the sweat from his brow. It’s been a long day on the range, and he is ready to get some shut-eye. As he takes in the beautiful sunset, he ponders what his family may do with the ranch generations from now. The sun slowly dips below the hills and Milidairy Walk turns for home, hoping to return before supper gets cold.