Last Friday, Texas A&M University fraternity Theta Pi Mu announced their new COVID-19-related philanthropy. The fraternity plans to combat the pandemic by spreading the virus to every single person in a 200 mile radius. “We’ve noticed more than ever that our community needs help,” said Charles Nash, Theta Pi Mu President. “If we ever want to be able to grope girls and do keg stands without people bitching in our comments on our social media platforms, we gotta get rid of this COVID-19 thing.”
“Vaccines are coming, but just not fast enough,” Andrew Tuckerson said. “With the recent lift of the mask mandate and businesses opening back up, it’s obvious our government doesn’t care about us. So we decided to take matters into our own hands and provide everyone with the virus. That way, if they survive, they can eventually develop immunity without having to get the vaccine. Needles are scary, anyway.”
Not all members of the fraternity are supportive of the move. Some think the organization’s efforts will be in vain. “I just think we’ve probably already given it to everyone we know already,” junior Michael Sampson said. “And most of the student body has probably already gotten and spread it; they don’t need our help. I mean, have you seen Northgate lately?”
Dates for exposure from the fraternity will be released soon. They are expected to be every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night at Shiner Park.
— Broken Reed Arena
It’s 9:47 on a Thursday night. Your group project is due at midnight, and there’s one member who hasn’t added any of her work yet: Broken Reed Arena. She won’t answer her phone, but you know where she is from her Snapchat story — she’s faithfully cheering on the women’s basketball team. You say a prayer. Suddenly, at 11:53, her perfectly formatted portion of the project appears in the google drive, just in time for submission. No one knows how she does it, and no one dares to ask.