Fish Camp Co-Chairs Support Same-Sex DG Partnerships but Don’t Want One
While discussing their camp’s potential partnerships earlier today, Fish Camp co-chairs Brent Malone and Stella Moors said they support same-sex DG partnerships but do not want their camp to have any.
“While the partnerships might work out with same-sex DG parents, I would feel so bad for the freshmen,” said junior marketing major Stella Moors. “Could you imagine starting college with two guy DG parents? Or two girl DG parents? I would be okay with it if we didn’t have to worry about freshmen, but that’s the point of these partnerships.”
“Allowing same-sex DG partnerships is a slippery slope that could lead to freshmen only getting one DG parent,” said mechanical engineering major Brent Malone. “The freshmen deserve a DG mom and dad. I don’t see why we should give them anything else.”
“Fish Camp was structured to have male-female DG partnerships,” said one member of Fish Camp’s director staff. “DG Partnerships are defined in the Fish Camp constitution as between a guy and a girl. Co-chair partnerships can be guy-guy or girl-girl because they are not going to be parents to the freshmen.”
Most incoming freshmen don’t see any problem with changing the partnerships. “I don’t get the problem. A ‘DG partnership’ is a completely arbitrary definition, anyway,” said freshman communications major Casper Gaskin. “I grew up with two dads, so I feel like it wouldn’t be that out of the ordinary if they insist on being called ‘DG moms’ and ‘DG dads,’ especially since Fish Camp prides itself on being progressive.”
One counselor expressed concern with the current system. “This system just seems so old-fashioned,” Jenn Doan said. “If this is how they deal with same-sex DG partnerships, what are they going to do when they have non-binary counselors?”
— Anime Sciences
Treading silently through the Kleberg Center amongst the yeeyees and horse girls, we find Anime Sciences making his way to class with his head bowed. An inattentive freshmen accidentally walks into him, and suddenly the crowded hallway goes hush. A mind-bendingly long series of close-ups, confused grunts, and angry growls signals the triggering of Anime Sciences’ wrath as he unsheathes his katana from its holster. Uttering a rapid flurry of insults in English that somehow don’t match the movement of his lips, he challenges the freshman to either flee or face certain death. The fish scampers off. Order is restored in West Campus.