Sweet Eugene’s to Offer Complimentary Flashlight With Every Purchase
Starting this Saturday, local coffee shop Sweet Eugene’s is offering a promotion in which every customer will receive a free flashlight with their purchase of any hot or iced beverage. The flashlights are intended to help customers locate tables and review their study materials inside the notably dim store.
“We first tried letting customers read by candlelight, but that was causing too many fires,” store manager Kurt Banton said. “We think the flashlights will provide the perfect balance between allowing people to see and preserving our eclectic aesthetic.” Early beta testing reports a 15% reduction in eye strain of Sweet Eugene’s late-night customers. Most promisingly, only five customers have found themselves hopelessly trapped in the Mona Lisa portrait room since flashlights were offered.
Some patrons, however, are displeased with the changes. “I choose Sweet’s for all my Hinge dates because of the lighting,” Rory Larken said. “Now where will I go when I need my face shrouded in shadows for the entirety of my dates?”
— Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.