University to Offer Cognitive Dissonance Certificate Program
Texas A&M University is once again expanding the programs available to students seeking to broaden their horizons and prepare themselves for a future in the workforce. A commission of high profile alumni and professors worked together to identify areas of study missing in the current catalog at the university and found that most students were too devoted to their morals and beliefs to act in opposition to them, as is often required in their careers. To fill this gap, officials developed a new cognitive dissonance program, which is open to students of all majors. After taking the required courses, students will receive a certificate that indicates their willingness and ability to completely disregard their personal beliefs in the interests of their future employers’ bottom lines.
The interdisciplinary program is said to be most appealing to Mays students, with many engineers also reporting interest. The program also seeks to appeal to public health majors. One professor in the program spoke about how his new class will teach the next generation of accountants how to circumvent tax laws for their future employers, and do so without feeling guilty. The professor went on to express his support for businesses paying their fair share of taxes but said he was committed to teaching the practice of tax evasion nonetheless.
Engineering students seeking the certificate, especially those in petroleum engineering, can look forward to a better understanding of how to avoid allowing environmentalism and mounting information regarding climate change to cloud their judgement. Following their completion of certificate courses, they can expect to be committed only to pumping as much black gold out of the ground as they can.
Proponents of the program see a bright future for cognitive dissonance at Texas A&M, saying it will make the Aggie Ring mean that much more to prospective employers. Many alumni hope that the cognitive dissonance program will eventually be required for all students, claiming that it would make A&M grads the most sought-after candidates for jobs in any field. In fact, some especially visionary supporters of the project believe cognitive dissonance might even become a core value of Texas A&M University.
– CTE-Walk
Several years ago during Elephant Walk, CTE-Walk took a major league bonk to the noggin when a squirrel dropped his nut-based breakfast on the unsuspecting senior. Disoriented, she looked up just in time to see an ACME anvil flatten her face into two dimensions. As she peeled herself off the pavement and reinflated, she walked into a faux doorway painted onto the wall of the Academic Building. In her confusion, she stumbled across the seal, dooming her to a never-ending Groundhog Day of senior year.