Selfish Maniac Doesn’t Just Want to Help People
The Mugdown recently went undercover to investigate a local maniac who, when asked about his career goals, did not “just want to help people.” After receiving anonymous tips about a dangerous member of the community, a Mugdown investigator adopted a false identity and spent a year entering into the social circles of and gaining the trust of the aforementioned sociopath, sophomore business major Damian Hamm.
After months of work, our investigator was able to ask Hamm about his plans for the future. Our investigator, whose identity must remain anonymous for his own safety, reported fearing for their life at that moment, praying that Hamm would undermine the hearsay and simply state that he “wasn’t sure what he wanted to do yet, but just knew he wanted to help people.”
Readers, we must warn you now to continue with discretion, for Hamm’s response is certainly chilling. Following this question, the absolutely deranged man answered, “Just something that will make good money so I can have a comfortable life and support a family, I guess.”
Shortly thereafter, our investigator left his post and went off the grid for several weeks to recuperate from his encounters with Hamm, who is most certainly a danger to everyone around him.
If you witness suspicious behavior from Hamm or anyone displaying similar radically selfish behavior, please immediately report it by calling 1-800-HELP-PPL.
— t.u.kulele
In the basement of the MSC, there is a broom closet that holds a secret society that is lesser known to the student body: the Texas A&M Ukulele Society. t.u.kulele is the founding member, consistently playing “Can’t Help Falling in Love” and “Nevershoutnever,” while avoiding all academic responsibility.