A&M Boasts 1:1 Student-Faculty Ratio in Fall 2020 Semester
In a press conference given last Monday, a university spokesperson announced that Texas A&M University achieved a 1:1 student-faculty ratio last semester, an impressive feat for a university with an enrollment of 71,109 students. Upon further questioning by members of the press, it was revealed that the ratio was calculated by tracking in-person attendance last October for both in-person and hybrid courses. Fully online courses were excluded from the calculations due to not being “real classes.”
“This ratio proves that Texas A&M is dedicated to providing individual, personalized attention to its students, no matter the size of our student body,” the spokesperson said. “We are so proud of achieving this metric during one of the most challenging times for higher education.”
Neither students nor faculty were surprised by the achievement, having witnessed the sharp dive in in-person attendance once Zoom attendance became a viable option. “Listen, I’m sure my professor has great stage presence and all that, but nothing beats half-listening to lecture from the comfort of my bed,” sophomore Rory McCarter said. “I haven’t been to campus since the first day it rained last fall when I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore.”
As a result of the improved ratio, professors have had to adjust their instructional methods to the new, more intimate classroom settings. “It’s always distressing when I accidentally catch the eye of the one student who bothered to show up in-person. Do I just keep staring? There’s no one else to look at,” said Mark Erickson, an economics professor. “Every day, I flip a coin to decide whether to even bother with my simultaneous Zoom class or just provide one-on-one tutoring in person while the students on Zoom struggle to hear.”
— Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.